i laugh at the inappropriate. i hardly ever open up. i befriend the amazing. i sing to myself. i dance in the mirror. i put others first. i love. --------------------- AIM: supasweetyo
So many things I want to write about on here. So many things building up. So much anxiety and angst. Everything is so trivial and so profound. None of it matters in this moment, but when this one is added to the next and the next and the next, it’s all growing into something that most definitely matters. I’m living such a selfish life, and the holiday season is only compounding the guilt and sadness I’m feeling upon reflection. At the same time, I feel like selfishness has proven to be my best option, because dependence on others (even fate) always winds up with me playing the waiting game, ending in disappointment. I’m doing my best. For me. And trying to show others appreciation along the way. I can’t muster much more outward emotion at the moment, so I’m forcing everyone to settle, I guess. Settle, or move along. That’s what I’m afraid of. Settling, or moving along (indefinitely).
Him: I need you to know that I don't like where things ended with us. And I feel like the biggest asshole in the world if I caused you any sort of grief. I meant what I said when I said you deserve the very best. It's just that... I spent a year of my life fighting every day to convince somebody that they were special, and worthy, and losing sleep worrying over whether or not they were eating. And I can't do that again. I was so miserable, and bitter, and resentful. And I'm not saying that you're like that at all, but some of the things you were saying threw me back to that, and it just kind of... freaked me out. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you, and I'm sure you understandably have formed some form of disdain for me, but I still think that you're one of the coolest guys I've ever talked to, and I've never met anybody like you before. You deserved a little more explanation than what I left you. I hope you're doing well.
Me: I hope you feel better now.
Despite my luckless pursuits of love in the past, I enjoy looking back and laughing at my ridiculous dating attempts.
"Dating" is a such a relative term, really…
Not that any of them have made an attempt to solidify their presence in my life, there have been one or two that haven’t been so easy to forget.
Well, one in particular. Sigh.
And I tell myself that, on the other hand, I should feel proud of myself for not settling, either. For the druggie, or the frigid, or the ticklish…
Lord, it’s been a mess.
And I get so frustrated, as an observer of others’ romantic forays, when the missteps and/or flaws (by/in those involved or in the pairing) seem so obvious.
But my finite wisdom concerning these matters is just that.
So I need to remind myself to stop being so sure of what’s best for everybody else.
What I do know is that I’ve seen people change. And that’s what’s scary. I can imagine the kind of person I hope to meet and fall for and blah blah blah. But I (/we) always imagine that person as being defined. They possess characteristics x, y, and z, which is why we will fall for them, and they are the characteristics that will make us love them forever and always. But it all comes back to that control factor. The fact that there is no control. That the person we fall in love with may not exist after a year of dating. Or ten years of marriage. And for some, letting go is as easy as packing a box or putting their signature on a line. For the stubborn sort, it’s a gradual drowning in doubt and denial and sadness that seeps through every crack. I’ve seen it. I see it. And what I’m seeing now is making me more sad and more angry and more anxious than I’ve ever felt. I avoid. I try to comfort. I stress about problems that aren’t mine directly, but indirectly they are deeply personal.
I’m not looking forward to the future. Not in terms of all this. Such loneliness…
dreams about childhood crushes confessing secrets you hoped to hear once upon a time
dates that seem to go well, end abruptly, and leave you without so much as a text (or a reply to the one you shouldn’t have sent)
daydreams about someone you know, someone you want, who will never be close enough to be had, and who will never want you the same way, regardless
the ones who feign interest for a short (or even long) while, only to cut off communication unexpectedly (though you know it must be because of someone better)
taking a chance/being brave (even if it requires a bit of help from a bottle) and still being ridiculed by people whose opinions matter to you
worrying so much as you watch two people falling apart, knowing it’s neither your place nor in your power to do anything at all about it
the days you do well that can never shine brightly enough through the dark, cloudy days of regret and anger towards yourself for the mistakes you’ve made
- a lovely story told to me by the girl who was promoted over me at work. File under “stuff that really sucks about my life right now”.
I’m too young to feel this much regret.